*Trigger warning – extreme pregnancy sickness*

I have thought about the best way to tell the story of me & HG (hyperemesis gravidarum, i.e. extreme pregnancy sickness). I’ve come to the conclusion that there is only one way to tell it and that is in full, with all the raw details.

If you know me personally, then you may have heard me mention I have had it. But that’s probably about it. Because, in truth, now that my youngest child is six, it is only now that I am able to face what I went through. It was hugely traumatic for me and I am still at the beginning of trying to make sense of it.

So if the antidote to depression is expression then here goes…

Read all about it

I’m going to start with a story from my third pregnancy. It was a bright and sunny and crisp Autumn morning (To this day the change in weather from Summer to Autumn reminds me of HG). I was sick and tired, sick and tired brings a new meaning to a phrase when you have HG. I walked my 4 year old son to nursery and his little sister in the pram. After dropping him off at the nursery I went into the little Tesco nearby and bought a couple of things, maybe a Tesco cheese and onion sandwich as weirdly it was one of the only things I could face. I also bought a newspaper. I don’t know why as I would not have had the time to read it. Maybe as a distraction.

As I started walking back home with the pram, my daughter fell asleep. I was overcome with exhaustion. There was a green space surrounded by trees near the shop, nursery and GP surgery. As the day was bright and sunny I decided I needed to rest while my baby was asleep. I laid out the newspaper and laid down next to the buggy. I kept my hand on the buggy to make sure she was safe.

After a while, a kindly older couple were strolling by and came up to me. They asked me if I was Ok. This kindness was enough to make me cry. I explained how sick I was. They pointed to the GP surgery. I said there was nothing they could do. I was on medication. I could not be admitted to hospital as had been suggested to me because I was a full time mum living far from family. My option was to keep going, and it was my only one. I tried to reassure them the best I could and went back to my rest. On the newspaper, on the ground.

My first pregnancy

I had my first baby in 2013, the rush of love I felt when I met him for the first time was like nothing else. And it’s not a meeting, it’s a knowing, in your presence is someone you have somehow always known.

Throughout my pregnancy with my son, I experienced bad sickness – not to the scale of HG. I remember rushing to a bathroom restaurant as the vomit poured out of my mouth and nose, gasping for air. I remember eating roast chicken at my brother’s London apartment. It was pre the 12 week scan so I had not told anyone other than my husband (now ex) I was pregnant – which to be honest is not the best advice as you need support at this time! That night I smelt greasy roast chicken all night, and as my stomach turned I was unable to ask that the remains of it be put in the outside bin.

I battled through and was proud to work full time throughout my pregnancy and completed a postgraduate diploma at the same time, achieving a distinction.

My second pregnancy

Around six weeks into my pregnancy I experienced HG. I have outlined the main symptoms I experienced:

Sickness and nausea This is like having a violent 24 hour sick bug. Except you don’t know when it will end. You know it will be weeks, months. The vomiting comes as a relief as the nausea subsides for a while.

Extreme exhaustion I felt like I was on tranquillisers designed to knock out a horse. This was contributed to by a side effect of the medication I was taking to relieve the sickness promethazine

Dehydration Drinking and eating have to be attempted carefully, and constant vomiting leads to dehydration and dizziness.

Hypersalivation This is one of the gruesome details I wanted to leave out. Excess saliva is constantly produced and it meant that when I left the house with my son to go to the park I had to spit it out into a bush or hanky so no one could see. It was disgusting and I felt shameful.

Hypersensitivity I was sensitive to everything to do with food. There was a very limited amount that I could stomach. I could not watch anything on TV relating to food, such as adverts, or hear anyone talk about food. Smells were heightened and I was disgusted by the smell of the bakery in the supermarket. Washing up and going into the kitchen was akin to hell but I had to prepare food as a full time mum. One day on a visit family members kindly bought fizzy water as I had requested as something I could face drinking. I was devastated because it was in a large bottle, not small bottles. I could not bear the thought of bringing a cup to my lips because of the smell of the cup, or drinking water that had come from a tap because it may have passed through limescale. At the time I assumed these were psychological symptoms – and although HG does impact mental health – I now know these symptoms were related to my hypersensitivity to smells and taste.

Depression Darkness, loneliness, feeling misunderstood. All of the relentless physical symptoms impact on mental health.

My symptoms eased as my bump got larger beyond 20 weeks and when my daughter was born in 2015, I felt the same rush of love and familiarity as I did with my son. In an instant HG was in the back of my mind.

My third pregnancy

I have been asked why after experiencing HG I got pregnant again, which I am happy to answer. We wanted three children so despite my reservations we quickly went for it. I didn’t actually overthink this decision at the time (which is rare for me!) and I suppose I believed the sickness may be bearable as it was with my son.

Back on the rollercoaster we go…

Once the HG kicked in in the early weeks, I regretted getting pregnant. I remember saying “this was a mistake” in desperation to someone close to me. They looked back at me, with no words, lost and helpless and I so I then kept all of those thoughts to myself.

Once I had reached the 12 week stage I was desperate to meet the human angel we know as midwives. From my previous pregnancies it is at this point that you feel “on the radar” when those midwife appointments start. However, my experiences with the healthcare professionals were as follows:

The midwife

When I dragged myself to my first appointment it consisted of form filling. The midwife was dismissive and angry with me because somewhere along the line I had filled out the form wrongly. She explained she’d just come back from Uganda where women have “real” struggles with pregnancy and giving birth. I can understand that she had witnessed extremely strong Ugandan women battle through unbelievably difficult circumstances. However, I was wrapped up in my own personal hell, I left in tears and asked to be assigned to a different midwife. I found my human angel.

The GP

Prescribing midwives are a rarity (although I believe the way forward) so I had to go to the GP to beg for medication. As I walked into the consulting room my heart sank. Male. Double barrelled in name and nature. I desperately hoped that the stereotype I had formed in my mind was not true, but it was. I had to beg for medication. He spoke to a female GP and he reluctantly prescribed me with the same medication promethazine that I had been prescribed in my previous pregnancy, even though I stated I wanted to try something different because the side effect of exhaustion was not compatible with me caring for two small children. My children were raised by Cbeebies whilst I laid on the sofa. They have turned out wonderfully.

The pharmacist

At one point I went to the pharmacist. She looked at me with concerned deep brown eyes and suggested trying ginger biscuits with such kindness. I thanked her and turned away, my heart sank to my feet.

The dentist

Later on in the pregnancy the HG symptoms subsided. I went to the dentist and explained I had not been able to put a toothbrush in my mouth for months as it made me vomit. He checked my teeth and told me all of them would fall out and that he had never heard of the symptoms I was describing. I left in floods, the receptionist tried to comfort me explaining “It can be hard to hear the reality about your teeth”. I found a different dentist practice, a wonderful man, I have two silver crowns from that time, my kids love to see them – like hopeful stars in the night sky or medals I have won for my bravery.

Disclaimer – Please understand I am not criticising the vast majority of our NHS healthcare professionals (with the exception of the dentist!!) I am in awe of the work that these professionals do on a day to day basis. However, I do think that system needs to change. A development in 2002 is that midwives can complete an accredited prescribing course to become prescribers, in my view much needed as experts in the area of pregnancy related conditions.

Furthermore, the newly updated 2024 Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists (RCOG) guidelines bring crucial clarity to the treatment of HG. This includes advising healthcare practitioners not to tell women with HG to try ginger. In defence of the kindly pharmacist I met, she was working within the guidelines which up to this year included telling women with debilitating illness to try a biscuit.

My HG hero

Six years on from the trauma of HG I have now been introduced to my HG hero. I am a peer supporter for Pregnancy Sickness Support the only registered charity supporting women with any level of pregnancy sickness and HG in the UK. I support a lady currently suffering via WhatsApp and I have been assigned a mentor: Jade. Jade is an absolute hero of mine. To me it is akin to meeting a celebrity (even Jared Leto). Jade suffered HG throughout her whole pregnancy. Mine cleared up around 20 weeks. It is unfathomable to me how a human can go through this level of suffering that Jade has.

The ending to my story

The ending to my story is that I have three beautiful, happy and healthy children. I am a single parent now, and the thought that got me through my divorce was “this isn’t as bad as HG”.

Research suggest that between 5-10% terminate a pregnancy due to HG. Often this is due to inadequate treatment of symptoms and a lack of support and understanding from healthcare professionals, employers and their support network. My heart truly empathises with women that have had this experience. The world needs to catch up with the debilitating illness that is HG, and I believe that sharing our stories of HG is the way to do that.